“When I was approached to write a piece to contribute on this series explaining what it means to be Black, I tried to come up with something that we could all relate to as a community, something that affected us all. I quickly came up with something that touches every black American’s existence but is also something that I don’t think is covered as often as it should be. I went a little left from what OD wanted I think, in that I spoke about a negative aspect of what I think blackness is and how it needs to be changed. Hopefully, it is enlightening and thought provoking nonetheless.

I think to be black is to always be trying to satisfy someone else’s desires for how you live your own life. In other words, being black represents a loss of individuality; a loss of control, for better or for worse. I heard that ?uestlove once said that the hardest thing for a black man to be is normal. In other words, if a black man’s lifestyle isn’t in line with an image others have of him, he’s considered to be abnormal. One way that this may be expressed is through an “abnormal” black man’s white friends remarking that he’s “not really black” or another black person remarking that a black man’s Radiohead, Nirvana, and Zero 7 mp3s are “white boy music.” This pressure from multiple sides to fit into a narrow set of likes, dislikes, desires, and tastes is something that both black men and women are forced into from the time that they’re first able to speak. I think that the internalization of white supremacy in American culture is something that a lot of black people are aware of in our community. Yet, this hasn’t prevented us from placing pressure on ourselves to conform and to stay within the archetype hoisted upon blacks.

Last month on Twitter, a conversation started about spanking children. I remarked that while I would employ spanking as a disciplinary tactic with my future children, it would only be used in extreme cases as a last resort, and that too often, spanking was used by parents who were already in anger about something that had nothing to do with the child or the offense that child committed. In response, a former classmate tweeted me a hashtag of the name of the high school I graduated from. We both attended high school in the same suburb but mine was considered the more affluent and white of the two. Now, I know he was only joking and didn’t mean anything by it but still, to me it’s a good example of some of the stereotypes black people cling onto and try to pigeonhole ourselves into that we probably shouldn’t. In reality, what was so wrong, or so “white”, about what I said? That spanking should only be used as a last resort when all else has failed and that using it while angry over other things is wrong and should be avoided. That’s “white” thinking? It’s “black” to spank first, over any mistake a child makes, and if you happen to be angry over something else and may be just taking a little steam off on someone who can’t do anything about it, oh well? I think when you take thoughts like these out to their logical conclusions and make people think about what they’re really saying, the absurdity and problem of it comes full surface. It seems that for the most part, these forced attributes and actions are in the negative context of what black people don’t and can’t do, stifling our individuality and creativity. With entire segments of the population on the outside of our community pushing a narrow-minded narrative of what a black person really is, why do they need our help to accomplish this?

In a post-Obama election world where a nostalgia for blacks mindful of their place manifests itself in the form of popular entertainment vehicles such as The Help and Mad Men or bills passed through Tea Party-controlled state legislatures nationwide designed to suppress the minority vote or resegregate schools, the effort to group blacks together as a monolith is alive and well amongst non-black groups. Of the 684,330 people stopped under the New York City Police Department’s stop and frisk program, 59 percent were black while only 9 percent were white. Black people cannot sit on the couch and be entertained or walk down the street without being reminded by non-blacks that regardless of the lives they lead or the skills they possess, it is expected that they take a backseat in matters of workplace status, citizenship, and that they most likely engage in criminal activity. With so many obstacles to the pursuit of a life where one can be themselves and not just one of “them” already placed in front of blacks without our choosing, shouldn’t the inside of our community be a rest haven away from it?

To stifle individuality, to encourage group think and conformity, is to stunt intellectual growth. Granted, due to the aforementioned legislative and legal challenges in the previous paragraph, some movement as a unit is needed to fight off injustice. However, the smaller instances I’ve described can work to hurt us and impede people from reaching their full potential. If a small black child shows an interest in the sky and asks for telescope, encourage it, feed their curiosity. With the right breaks, he or she can become the media‘s go to expert when it comes to matters of science like Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson or Derek Pitts. Rock music is black music, let your child pick up a guitar and they may become the next Slash or Jimi Hendrix or Prince. While a desire to instill black pride is understandable and admirable, it can also work to confine black people to places where we’ve always been instead of push us out into places where we need to go. Part of being black is not being allowed to be an individual by anyone, whether it be a racist asshole on Fox News or your cousin down the street. Our individuality is an important part of our lives. We only get to live once. And we shouldn’t have to spend that time living in a manner that satisfies anyone else other than ourselves.”